Church of the Seven Eternal Dachshunds:

Last night I had a vision. (I was SOBER thank you) and this is what was revealed to me. I wrote it in one go on graph paper. Those papers will be retained as historical religious artifacts: The Seven Eternal Dachshunds reside on the Cul-De-Sac of Eternity, bathed in the Light of The Eternal Summer Saturday Afternoon.

I.

John is the Dachshund of Wisdom and the Keeper of the Fires of Stupidity. He shakes his head at the folly of mankind. His soft brown eyes fill with tears, for he is tasked with preparing the Fires of War, the Fires of the Forest, and the Fires of Air. Only his tears of pity quench enough of the Fires of Stupidity so that mankind is not consumed.

II.

Ci-Ci, the Besweatered Dachshund of Time checks the clock on the mantle and keeps mankind pinned to the Sweep Hand of The Ages. Ci-Ci has a pink ribbon tied around her neck, while barking the Toll that cuts down the ages. She is the Dachshund of Labor, Work, Growth, Decay and Ultimate Destruction. Ci-Ci is the Destroyer of All. On the second Thursday of every month, Ci-Ci goes to the Pet Boutique of Eternity around three in the afternoon.

III.

Mr. Num-Num is The Dachshund of War. He is the Divider, and he divides mankind into Nations, Creeds, and Sects. His task is the easiest of the Seven Eternal Dachshunds, for Mankind does the rest. Mr. Num-Num lives in the backyard. It is his offal that mankind must collect, lest he step in it on some careless errand. Mr. Num-Num barks in the night, but always in the distance, but Mankind does not recognize him, and instead hears an enemy at the door. Mr. Num-Num scratches at the door and Mankind only hears his enemy, so Mankind readies his weapons. Mr. Num-Num often runs in the street, but he cannot be hit by a car. He always comes back. Mr. Num-Num only eats table scraps.

IV.

Winston Meriwether, The Dachshund of Peace, sits in the shade of the Folding Table at the Lemonade Stand of Ultimate Understanding. The Eternal Summer Saturday Afternoon lulls Winston Meriwether into a doze, while he looks out at the Universe with half-lidded eyes of Eternal Calm. Winston Meriwether does not stir when the Mailman of Ill-Boding rides up on his little bicycle and rings the bell and buys a Dixie-Cup of lemonade, as he has for Ten-Thousand-Billion years. Only those who do not seek can find Winston Meriwether.

V.

Chelsea-Princess II is the Dachshund of Death and the Patron Saint of Second-Person Explanations. Chelsea-Princess II will be there when you die. She sits at the foot of the dying, and right before you go to that final sleep, Chelsea-Princess II reminds you of all wasted time. She whines to go outside just as you are about to die and you let Chelsea-Princess II out and only then, at the moment of your last death-rattle do you notice how nice it is outside, because you are looking at The Eternal Summer Saturday Afternoon. You decide to take Chelsea-Princess II for a walk, and the hot pavement does not burn your feet. You are ten years old again. Summer lasts forever. Only then do you realize that you never walk the dog, the dog walks you. You are planning to just go around the block but you never return.

VI.

Poppy is the Lord of Awkward Silences. Poppy is the Keeper of Unclaimed Farts and Lost Remote Controls. Poppy sits on The Ultimate Throne of Bread Loaf Heels. Poppy's mansion is one thousand miles high, made of spare computer parts and old typewriters. Poppy is the Keeper of Unread Blogs, Coffee Grounds, and Plastic Grocery Bags. The Shadow of Poppy resides silently behind dusty storefront windows in empty "for lease" strip-mall spaces. Poppy is the Lord of Awkward Silences.

VII.

Buster is a mystery. No one, even those counted among the Elect, knows of that which Buster will someday be held in account. Buster shows his teeth and growls at the other Eternal Dachshunds. The only thing the Eternal Dachshunds agree on is Buster is waiting for something. No one knows of what he awaits, but everyone knows the time is nigh upon us.

I wrote some books: